Saturday, December 10, 2011

Buffalo Sauce!

Have you guys ever wondered where buffalo wings/sauce got their name? Well I did.

So I googled it.

They are from Buffalo, New York!

And where did Buffalo, New York get its name from?

From Buffalo Creek.

And where did the creek get its name from?

Most actual buffalo.

So in conclusion, although buffalo wings and sauce can be traced back to buffalos, they are actually from Buffalo.

Has anybody even ever been to Buffalo? Just curious. That doesn't sound like a place most people ever go.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

A Snack Food Analysis

Cracker boxes and chip bags. The print on them is often ignored and overlooked, but what they say really offers a lot of insight to the values of a company and the amount of money they are willing to spend on hiring creative writers to execute this job. I always read the back of everything, and the only thought on my mind when I finish reading is, "Wow......I feel sorry for the person who had to write this."

I've compiled a few examples from our mediocre snack collection in our dorm room.

Keebler Town House Italian Herb Flatbread Crisps
Everyone loves Keebler elves, and club crackers are an American classic and pantry staple. Here is what the back of the box says:

"There's a place where everyone feels at home. Where the company, conversation, and food make all who enter feel welcome. A place that feels as warm with a crowd as it does with just a friend. It's a place you'll find Town House Crackers. Because they're part of what makes your place the place. Welcome to Town House. Where good times reside."

Oh my gosh. Get me a freaking box of tissues, that was touching. The added touch of breaking apart the dependent clauses and making separate sentences out of them tugs at my emotions. Really, it does.

Company values: Family, friends, and partying.
Writer's skills: Intermediate

On a side note, the front of the box says "OVEN-BAKED." I like how every cracker company hasto put "oven-baked" on everything. Like where else would you bake a cracker? In the toaster? That would honestly be a little more impressive, if they individually placed each cracker in the toaster. I'd pay for that.

Quaker Quakes Cheddar Cheese Rice Snacks
We have grown to love the heart-healthy foods that that little Quaker man has given us for years, like oatmeal and Chewy bars! And now it comes in a sack that makes you think you're eating healthy.

Back of sack:
"Light & crispy crunch satisfaction! Quaker Quakes Rice Snacks are the surprisingly delicious snack with a satisfying crunch. And because they're always baked, never friend, and have 0 g trans fat, you can snack smart. Also try these other great flavors from Quaker Quakes: Vanilla Creme Brulee, Caramel Corn, Apple Cinnamon, Chocolate, Ranch, Sea Salt & Cracked Black Pepper."

Hmmm.... a) I'm so glad you bake your rice snacks instead of frying them, because that would taste disgusting if you did. b) I don't appreciate you putting a sales tip in there to try your other products. Obviously, when I grabbed the sack off of the shelf, I saw you had other flavors. c) Basically NOTHING has trans fat so just stop trying to impress me.

However, "crispy crunch" gets alliteration points. But the truth is, they are not very crispy.

Also, from the front of the sack..."20% More Free, Limited Time Value!!"
Thanks for eliminating some of the air in my bag. Really thoughtful of you.

Company values: Satisfying their customers and attempting to promote health. Driven by money.
Writer's skills: Basic. Very basic.

Trader Joe's Reduced Guilt Pita Chips with Sea Salt
Trader Joe's: The breeding ground of hipsters. Nobody actually goes there, but society pretends that they do in order to enhance the eliteness that is Joe, whoever that is.

Back of sack:
"Trader Joe's Reduced Guilt Pita Chips are crunchy, savory snacks made from fresh pita bread. They're lightly sprinkled with naturally flavorful sea salt, spritzed with oil and baked - not fried, so they're crunchy and delicious right out of the bag. And they have just 2.5 grams of fat per serving - that's 50% less fat and 20% fewer calories than our regular pita chips. So go ahead, grab a handful and enjoy - without the guilt." (and then in REALLY small print.... *vegan* <-- Did I not say Trader Joe's was hipster?)

Where do I even start? Nice tactic trying to make me feel guilty about EATING. One of the most basic necessities of human life! Really clever! Everything has fat and calories. I would also hope that the snack I am purchasing is crunchy and delicious right out of the bag. It is expected. If my snack is not crunchy and delicious right out of the bag, then you have failed. You don't need to try to convince me. And what is with this "grab a handful and enjoy" crap? I would sure hope that I could eat more than a meager handful of this snack without feeling guilty.

Company values: Probably supports PETA. Fitting into skinny jeans. Joe probably wears hemp bracelets to work.
Writer's skills: Intermediate


My suggestion:
Just start putting a picture of the employee of the month on the back of the sack or box. I would go back and buy your product every month just to see who the next employee of the month is!! You will have increased revenue. And your employees will also work harder and you can save money on hiring creative writers because NO ONE CARES WHAT THE BACK OF YOUR BOX OR SACK SAYS. Then you can donate that amount of money or products that value that amount of money to end world hunger.

I am a genius. Sara for President.

Over and out.